I’m FragileSwan. And this is WordPress.

I was talking to a famous author, and asked him how I could find a competent literary agent. The query letter is the initial piece of information an agent will view. It should be on top of everything else. Make sure you list what type entity you channeled the book through: extraterrestrial aliens, Satan, your spirit guides, Jupiter upon it’s ascension into a higher reality, etc.

The literary agent primarily seeks authors specially chosen to save the world from being consumed by a horrible vortex of pure evil. Anyone can write. It takes a very special person, one especially chosen above other people, to record using human language the echoes from sophisticated, ten dimensional  civilizations that exist beyond this level.

You should begin the query letter with your contact information, in a difficult to read old English script font. This helps separate your creativity from people who use boring fonts. You should use multicoloured paper sprayed with heavy perfume. After your contact information, address the agent with a salutation that uses a common variation of his/her first name.

For instance: if the agents name is “Charles Weatherby,” use “Dear Chuck”. If her name is “Margaret Casey,” use “Dear Peggy”. This lets the agent know you’re friendly, and that you get along with other people. You have to list everything that confirms your superiority and divine gifts. You want to make sure the agent understands how much money he/she will make by selling your book.

Also, don’t be afraid to promote yourself. Go to a book store and read dust cover flaps . Use that style in your query letter, but longer and more detailed. Include any special awards or accomplishments: bronze medal in YMCA gymnastics, top seller of girl scout cookies, first one in your class to menstruate, a really really good prize you found in Cracker Jack, or any obscure coincidences that could possibly be interpreted as confirmation your work will become the literary standard by which all future works are judged.

I know this seems like a lot of extra work. I mean, you spent twenty-five years writing the greatest book in the history of creation. Tell the agent how long it took. It builds value. Mention how many times you edited the copy. Or, if you have self confidence, tell the agent you didn’t do a final read, because you knew it was perfect.

If you’ve included cryptic and difficult to understand meanings in the book, explain your reasoning. If you have a scene where microscopic aliens shoot disintegration rays at football helmets, mention that this is an allegory of a superior, but unseen intelligence telling earth’s surface dwellers they must end violence. If you feel extra confident, and you want to impress the agent, explain your secret gambling system.

Tell the agent your book is really really good, and people will love reading it, after it gets some help from a editor. Tell him/her you can promote the book, by stapling magic-marker advertisements to telephone poles in your neighborhood. Cite content of some flattering signatures in your senior high school year book, and explain the context and special significance.

Enclose a sharp, properly exposed color picture of yourself, your family and any pets you have. If you conceived any parts of the book under the influence of mescaline, psylosibin, LSD or morning glory; especially if you’ve tripped more than five hundred times, give a detailed explanation from an existentialist perspective, that you may, or may not exist, and the why the letter the agent is reading could be an illusion.

List the number of words in the book, and why you used certain words but not others. Use similes comparing your book to nuclear explosions and global cataclysm. List similar books, even if the similarity is that they’re also books. List similar authors, if you know their names. Otherwise just say “the guy who wrote that book about people and stuff,” OR “the girl who writes fiction about stuff.”

Use a lot of humor. This makes agents like you, because you’re offering comic relief to a person who normally has to read boring fonts on plain white paper. The query letter should be less than 10% of the book. If the book is 200 pages, the query must be less than 20 pages, if you can condense your biographical data that small.

Write in a concise, organized, methodical manner, placing yourself in the agent’s position. Your book is the greatest book he/she will ever read, and he will be wealthy beyond his wildest dreams. You’re doing the agent a favor; a big favor. So act like it. Don’t let him forget it. People treat others according to how much they tout themselves.

Send the entire manuscript with the query letter on top. If the agent states: “Do not send unsolicited manuscripts”, he wrote that before he read your manuscript, so it doesn’t apply to you, because there’s zero chance of rejection. You’re just saving everyone’s time. Call the agent three days after you ship the manuscript, so you can start talking dollars. Be open minded, but assertive. You might only get a $5 million advance.

Stress to the agent during the phone conversation that the future of the human race is at stake, so time is of the essence, and that this can confirmed on the Internet. If you’re a Venusian in a human body, you secretly work for the government, or the government controls your mind, mention this. It adds credibility if you share about the grounded copper sheeting lining your interior walls and the aluminum foil helmet you have to wear. Oops, you’ve got some hair exposed. Keep that foil tight.

If you’re synthetic, created as a subject for experiments to make genetically superior humans, but they erased your memory, so you can only guess what happened, but you know it happened even though there is no proof, because it’s the only thing that can explain why everyone watches and follows you, and why you hear voices of the dead; this is a big selling point.

If you can see things others cannot, you have greater vision than mortals. If “they” are always near you, like inside vehicles, and you notice things aren’t right, like someone broke into your house without your knowledge, disassembled the kitchen appliances, and reassembled them so no one could tell, you can mention this during your phone conversation.

Put a copyright notice at the top and bottom of every page. Otherwise the agent might turn the manuscript over to top-secret government intelligence who will classify the information and erase all traces of your existence. That would mean the end of the human race.

If you have a color inkjet printer, make each line in the manuscript a different color than the previous five, and give each page a fresh font. Check the book’s title page for spelling errors. If it’s correct, the rest should be also. Print the entire manuscript in bold italics, so it isn’t so hard to read. Capitalize every other word, and leave six empty lines between paragraphs. Chapter headings should be no larger than 64 point font.

You’ll stand out from the rest. Drive five miles an hour dressed in aluminum foil, so you won’t attract attention. If government agents are around, act ignorant. When you go inside the Post Office, try not to think about what’s at stake. Tell the person assisting you that your package DOES NOT contain anything the government, or any foreign government wants suppressed. That way you won’t look suspicious.

If your medication causes shaking, tics and sweating, get drunk beforehand. If anyone asks you what’s in the package, don’t tell him. If he reaches for it, start screaming, “There’s an antenna coming out of the moon!”

That’s a secret code for, “1094AXSquigley”, which is 70% secret code for something else. But there’s only a 50% chance of that. Good luck.